Wrong Impression (sorry I'm so wordy, too)

I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression. I'm not going to chuck the baby over a bridge or anything because it's a boy. But I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed, either.

A friend of mine who went through this recently, only worse, told me this last night, "Of course you'll love the baby when he gets here. It's the in-between time that's tough." Getting used to the idea of another ravenous mouth to shovel full of food (assuming that he'll eat as much as our other boys), giving up on the idea of a pink nursery and shopping for new tiny baby clothes (some people are grateful not to have to buy anything new if their baby is the same gender. I, on the other hand, would LOVE to buy up all those cute little girl clothes that have mocked me from the other side of the baby department for 5 years!) and lots of other little things will take time.

It's also rather depressing, because this pregnancy has been the opposite of my previous two in many ways. For one, it didn't give me the welcome reprieve from fibromyalgia, it has made it worse. My doctor said that 1/3 of moms-to-be with fibro feel better, 1/3 feel the same, and 1/3 feel worse. I guess each pregnancy is a separate event (just because I felt better with Jared doesn't guarantee that I'll feel better with every pregnancy), and I just lucked out the past two times.

I was also sick for 6 weeks instead of my usual 2. And I crave sweet stuff. With Jared, I literally had a bowl of candy on the coffee table, and knew it was safe, because sweets were unappealing to me for the first time in my life. With both boys, I craved carrot sticks and celery. Not that those are disgusting to me now, but just try to keep me out of the candy aisle at the grocery store these days! It's a struggle for me.

I was hoping that all these new, unexpected trials at least meant something. I presumed (though with reservations) that they meant that the baby was a different gender, and it helped me get through them.

There are more reasons that I'm disappointed that are too personal to share, but I hope you all don't think I'm horrible for having a hard time with this!

On the other hand, this time Ryan didn't seem to really care either way. I mean, he's already got two boys, so he's fine either way now. I would absolutely feel the same way---wait, no, I would probably be sad for Ryan, and for myself too, if we had two girls and just got the news that girl #3 was on her way. Just because raising both genders is an experience I want in life. I felt quite the same when I found out I'd never have a baby except by c-section. I was deeply disappointed to be robbed of the experience of a non-surgical birth, and it took me many weeks to feel okay with it.

Of course, I'm still holding on to a tiny thread of hope that the ultrasound was wrong. Not that I'm an ultrasound expert, but the tech yesterday WAS rather an idiot. Nevermind that there were two of them, and the other one didn't seem to possess any idiocy. Still, I'm going to pop in the DVD tonight and try to see what they saw.